Selfish.

Yes, suicide is “selfish.” No, they aren’t thinking of all the grieving friends, parents, or the experiences they’ll never have that will be left behind. Yes, they are (usually) only thinking of themselves. No, you’re not going to understand it. Yes, they are serious about ending it. No, you should not tell them how selfish you think they are if they come to you about it. Yes, it might mean they want help if they do talk about it. No, it doesn’t mean they wouldn’t have done it. Yes, you should take it seriously whether you think it will happen or not. No, you do not get to decide if they are desperate for attention and if that makes it any less serious. Yes, you should let them know that you are there for them. No, you shouldn’t hesitate to find help (parents, a hotline, therapy, etc). Yes, it might still happen.

Yes, suicide is serious.
Yes, suicidal people are in pain.
Yes, you can try to talk to them.
Yes, you can research it.
Yes, even if you aren’t directly involved with a suicidal person.
Yes, it could make a difference.

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“I’m so fixated on the girl with the soft sound
And hair all over the place. — Tad with Tahnee Lane Wenzel.”

Well.  That escalated quickly.  Took me ten months, took her a weekend. 

 

Oh well.  *sighs*

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints of snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there.  I did not die.

“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There’s almost no such thing as ready. There’s only now. And you may as well do it now. I mean, I say that confidently as if I’m about to go bungee jumping or something – I’m not. I’m not a crazed risk taker. But I do think that, generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”

Announcement and feedback request…

So the announcement first.  Changed up my email back to the way it was before I worked at Hubris.  Having Hubris as a backup internet service provider and my email provider is proving to be a very expensive backup plan, so I’m getting rid of it.  They are by far the most reliable ISP that I’ve ever used, but it’s no longer worth the $150/month I am paying.  So, this means that my email will change back to Gmail services, and I will no longer have faxing services.  If you can’t do email instead of faxing, you need to catch up with technology anyways, to be blunt. 

So.  The only email addresses that will be valid are:

mike.mathia@gmail.com – Personal email, anything that’s not professionally related.

hypertechs@gmail.com – for Hypertech Computer Solutions – http://hypertechs.net

kd0ijo@gmail.com – For anything ham radio or emergency management related.

skywarnnet@gmail.com – For anything weather related, weather reports, photos, video, etc.

mmmodeling@gmail.com – For Michael Brian Photography – http://michaelbrianphotography.com

deejay69@gmail.com – For anything music or DJ related.  http://energy981.com

eagleeye69@gmail.com – Hacker information, anything security related, and forwards.

skywarn69@yahoo.com – Anything related to eBay, craigslist, or Paypal.  Taking donations.

<<< End of Announcement >>>

 

Now, it’s time to request your feedback on something of a personal nature.  I have people living with me at my house.  My best friend, Kelli, her sister Emily, my ex, mother of my child, Tahnee, and of course, my son, Lucas.  Kelli is awesome and couldn’t possibly be a better roommate.  Emily’s cool, goddamn teenagers (inside joke).  Tahnee is the issue of discussion. 

The issue with Tahnee is that some days, she can be totally amazing and cool, and a dream come true for me.  But more and more days lately, she’s being completely the opposite, assumes too much out of a simple statement, rude, and just being an asshole when I am trying to have a simple and easy conversation.  Her and I have a long history, and I really love having my son living in the same house as me.  And when Tahnee’s being cool, I really like having her around as well.  But lately she’s just been getting worse.  I guess, here’s the question.  At what point do you throw in the towel and give up and just have her be gone and out of your life?  At what point do you just give up from the overflow of drama?  At what point for you, is it too much and you just say fuck it?  I do not tolerate any drama, and she’s been all of mine lately.  I want things to stay in the same house, but at the same time I want to move on and date someone that will treat me with the respect that I deserve, and I cannot do that with her living here.  So I’m pretty torn over the whole thing.  I’m ready to give up and not try to make things work with her because if I do try to make things work, then she’ll pull some of the same crap she did before that caused us to break up.  What’s the point of trying to make something work when you cannot trust the person anymore?  What happens when they fuck up so much that you can no longer forgive them? 

 

I know you’re used to answers from me instead of questions, as I am really usually pretty damn good at solving almost anyone’s problems, ironic that I cannot solve my own at this point.  I’m really not sure on what to do.  I want to have a good holiday season with everyone, but after that’s over, something definitely needs to change, and she’s made it obvious by now that it’s not going to be her.  I know that it’s important that a family should be all under the same roof, and I know it’s important that a family be truly happy.  Right now, the truly happy part isn’t happening.  So what’s worse?  Living apart but happy, or living together and miserable in hopes that it’ll all work itself out later?  Lucas is only nine months old, he’s not quite old enough to detect unhappiness yet, and I refuse to have him see me unhappy. 

 

One last thing.  Family means everything to me.  My immediate family refuses to interact with me lately for numerous stupid and ignorant reasons.  My extended family lives in Kansas City so I can’t see them as often as I should, and I’m going to make a better effort to see them in 2014.  But family is important to me regardless. 

I just want to be happy.  Is that so much to ask?

What do I do?

 

MM

Abuse

We are in training from the time we are born to tolerate abuse. That is what being nice means. When they tease us, and chase us, and grab us, and the adults tell us it is because they like us, we are being trained to tolerate abuse. The dominance and submission training starts at a very early age and we are dying from it. Every day.

Bill

So, Imagine that the company you work for held a poll, and asked everyone if they thought it would be a good idea to put a soda machine in the break room. The poll came back, and the majority of your colleagues said “Yes”, indicating that they would like a soda machine. Some said no, but the majority said yes. So, a week later, there’s a soda machine.

Now imagine that Bill in accounting voted against the soda machine. He has a strong hatred for caffeinated soft drinks, thinks they are bad you you, whatever. He campaigns throughout the office to get the machine removed. Well, management decides “OK, we’ll ask again” and again, the majority of people say “Yes, lets keep the soda machine.”

Bill continues to campaign, and management continues to ask the employees, and every time, the answer is in favor of the soda machine. This happens, lets say… 35 times. Eventually, Bill says “OK, I’M NOT PROCESSING PAYROLL ANYMORE UNTIL THE SODA MACHINE IS REMOVED”, so nobody will get paid unless management removes the machine.

What should we do???

Answer: Fire Bill and get someone who will do the fucking job.

Bonus: Bill tells everyone that he was willing to “Negotiate”, to come to a solution where everyone got their payroll checks, but only so long as that negotiation capitulated to his demand to remove the soda machine.

Bill is a fucking jackass.

THE MAYONNAISE JAR

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and fills it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “YES”.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things – God, family,
children, health, friends, and favorite passions. Things, that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else — the small stuff.” he said.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
important to you…” he told them.

“So… pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Worship with your family. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Spend time with good friends. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap. Take care of the golf balls first — the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled and said, “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

 

 

“The Only Time”

I’m drunk.
And right now I’m so in love with you.
And I don’t want to think too much about what we should or shouldn’t do.
Lay my hands on Heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars.
While the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car.

Nothing quite like the feel of something new.
Maybe I’m all messed up.
Maybe I’m all messed up.
Maybe I’m all messed up in you.
Maybe I’m all messed up.
Maybe I’m all messed up.
Maybe I’m all messed up.
Maybe I’m all messed up in you.
Maybe I’m all messed up.
This is the only time I really feel alive.
This is the only time I really feel alive.

I swear.
I just found everything I need.
The sweat in your eyes the blood in your veins are listening to me.
Well I want to wrap it up and swim in it until I drown.
My moral standing is lying down.

My son is driving me crazy tonight, and it’s driving a wedge between Tahnee and I.  Neither of us is able to live our own lives because of him. Neither of us can spend time together anymore.  I see him drive her to the brink of a breakdown and I go in to try to help, and I get frustrated with him in the process, which drives her even more crazy, which drives me more crazy.  It’s non-stop.  There’s 18 more years of this shit, and I really am not looking forward to it.  

I just put on my Facebook status that he’s driving me crazy tonight, and all of these people are liking my status.  Fuck you all.  I’m glad to see that my misery is something that you all like.  

And I’m just waiting for my Mom’s typical response, “Payback’s a real bitch, isn’t it?”  Unsupportive advice might as well not be said.  Just pisses me off more.  

He’s driving us both to the point of extreme exhaustion.  And I’m not happy with my life because of him.  I usually just keep myself busy, but I’m so exhausted anymore that I just try to chill at home, but he’s always screaming bloody murder when I’m home, and Tahnee shouldn’t have to be the one that’s always handling the situation, although she does far more with him than I do.  So I try to help, but we both know that I’m not helping at all.  And that gets frustrating.  

I love spending time with Tahnee, but I don’t look forward to coming home anymore, because I know he’s just gonna drive me crazy again.  Everyone keeps saying that it’s gonna get better, but has yet to.  Pretty soon he’ll be walking and talking, and that’s gonna be better?  At least right now he’ll mostly stay in one spot and I can walk away for a few minutes when he’s driving me nuts.  How’s walking and talking gonna be better?  I’m not buying it.  When he’s in a good mood, he’s fun to have around.  But more times than not, he’s crying or screaming.  I hate feeling this way, but I just don’t wanna be here anymore. 

I’m fed up.  

In other news, I passed a kidney stone today.  Only two more to go.  *twirls finger*

I really wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy again.